Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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