Already got asked if we're dating
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
