I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
