I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
