dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
