you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
His hands were made for my vagina.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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