you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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