I will die if light touches me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
