Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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