I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Randomize
