john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I can't turn off my feet"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
