Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
