Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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