guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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