I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
