I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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