i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
