if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
