She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
