Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize