i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
