Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You ruined the universe
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
