you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
