FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
