im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Please don't give away my fajitas
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