nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
