Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
