My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Ladies don't puke and tell
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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