I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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