My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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