We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
this will be a night to untag.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
We need a shit load of segways right now
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
