just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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