Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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