Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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