I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
