Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
