he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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