dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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