it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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