phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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