I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Your cock deserves a montage
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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