My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Shame is for Republicans.
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