my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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