My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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