while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My vagina is very pro this idea
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
