my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
