i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
