have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
