so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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