This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
