I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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