i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
