you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
