Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
