I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
