who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
