Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
